Alright! I can do this! My semester is almost over, just three more finals and this semester will be done. Next semester I will have 12 credits, summer I will have 6 credits, and next fall I will finish my degree. I plan on applying for graduate school, but if that doesn’t work out I will look for work for a few years and then reapply. I’m excited to see what the future holds.
I’ve made some realizations recently that I can not recreate what I feel my childhood missed out on for my own children. I have been obsessed with making sure my kids have plenty of siblings because I felt like that would ensure their feelings of safety and security, but I have realized that it is not the quantity that provides the security but the quality of love and support a family provides. We have not discouraged more children (does that make sense?) and it just hasn’t happened, besides, it felt very irresponsible to think of adding more children to our family when our lives were very much in the air. I have come to terms with the idea that the two wonderful chi?dren I have may be the only ones that I get, and I accept that. I’m not closing the door on more children, it may be that in 5 or 6 years our lives will be more stable and conducive to having more children and I am willing to entertain those ideas. Letting go of that obsession has been very rewarding, to quit worrying about the perfect gap between kids and how I might be messing up my kids by not having more siblings or having more siblings years later, but I think the better answer is to remain prayerful and allow Heavenly Father to help me know when or if more children should be a part of our family.
Beyond that, I have to say that things are still hard. I really wish that I had it in me to reach out to everyone and say, I need you. I’m working on it, but it is slow going. I’m not sure how, but there is a small glimmer of hope when I think of my future. I do not think it will be without trial, but somehow there is a sense that we will make it through somehow. I say I’m not sure how, because I am just not quite emotionally where I want to be, so this clouds a lot of what I might be able to resonably think about. That said, perhaps things are finally about to click for me. Who knows! Maybe it’s the extra adrenaline from Christmas time lol! I’ll just keep working on it I guess!
Kate
i am proud of you. this is a tough thing to let go of sometimes. it’s hard to let go of the control i mean. i am proud of you for being able to look at your life and say, “you know what, this is what i can do, the rest is up to the Lord.” it sounds like you are coming to a much better place these days. love you so much! take care sweetie!
Well, since I’m replying to this on Friday, your finals are probably already over. And I was going to wish you good luck! Anyways hope they went well. Enjoy your break before next semester starts.