I know that I’ve known this for a long time, which does make it annoying that I’ve not thought about it and let things just slipo away out of my control to the point where I’m whiney and sullen and sad all of the time, but I’ve got it now! I was reading my Ensign (church magazine) and I start reading about this woman whose mother had given up most of her life to care for her own mother. At first I rolled my eyes thinking… great, another story to make women feel like they just aren’t giving enough of themselves unless they give up all that they are, but I read on (let’s be honest, probably in a mean disposition to find more things to be annoyed with). As I went through the story there came a passage that just hit me– I pushed it off and it hit me again, so I stopped and really contemplated it. She says something along the lines of, my mother always taught me that I can’t always control what happens to me, but everyday I make a choice about my actions and how I react to things. Now, this is not something that I didn’t know. It’s something that I’ve spouted off for years, especially to people who would blame their problems on their childhood. So this has openned my eyes to the person I have become, so full of sadness and contempt for life as to become the person who says… I can’t do anything about my situation because I’m so messed up from the problems of my past. Just yesterday my friend called to say that she was bored so she was going to the store to get something to snack on because even though she wasn’t sad or anything, there was no way she could sit around with nothing to do and no food… and I said… see, realization does nothing! You can recognize the bad habits, but when the time comes it doesn’t really help because you just feel powerless to try and combat them.
So, I don’t like this person that I’ve become, and I realize it isn’t all encompassing, I’m still basically the me I’ve always been especially when dealing with others. The me that has to deal with me is the me that I have the problem with! At some point I have to make that decision that I AM and adult now… no matter what has happened to me in the past, I can’t change it, but I also don’t have the right to use it as a crutch to ruin the rest of my life. So I will not. I can be sad. I can be disappointed. I can grieve over things that have occured. What I can’t do is say I deserve the chance to wallow. It doesn’t help. It makes me weaker. It gives me an out. So I’ve put this out into the world, for practically no one to read lol, but I will see it and when I want to feel sorry for myself I can look at this and say, it’s ok to do that for about 3 minutes and then it’s time to get up and put your adult pants on and do the work!
It should be interesting.
(((HUGS)))
you are awesome