As most of you who read our blog already know, I lost my grandfather tonight. It was barely just 4 1/2 hours ago. He was surrounded by his family, who love him very much. I feel so… weird right now. On the one hand, I have been expecting this for a while. On the other hand, I felt so unprepared…
Shortly before 8pm, things to me seemed to be going the way they had been the whole time I had been there today. I had made the decision that I wanted to be there when he went, and basically I wanted to stay at the hospital the whole time. However, Kate and the kids were sitting in the waiting room, and I had made arrangements with my grandma that they would stay at her house overnight. So I went out to tell Kate that I would take her to my grandma’s house, help her get the kids settled in and in bed, and then come back out to the hospital. Well, I barely had time to tell Kate that when one of my cousins came out and told me that I should probably get back in there. So we all huddled around the bed for a few minutes, and a few minutes later, he left us. It didn’t happen at all the way I expected. In the movies when somebody dies you hear the beep beep beep of the machine, then the flatline. Then a doctor calls the time of death. Well, Grandpa wasn’t hooked up to any machines, so I don’t know why I was expecting to hear what I didn’t hear, but I was. And the nurses just came in and checked for a pulse and stuff, and said they were sorry, but no time of death declaration. I guess life isn’t like the movies.
I’m not happy Grandpa is gone. It’s only been a few hours and I miss him so much. But I do feel glad to know that he’s not suffering anymore. I’m glad I got the chance to visit with him the past few weeks. Sometimes it was at their home, and a few times I visited him in the hospital last week, when he was still up and coherent. And of course, I’ve spent a lot of time with him the past two days. Kate and I stayed overnight Monday night at the hospital. I know everyone kept telling me Monday that he could hear me talking. I don’t know if that is true or not. But I took the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him. I remember saying to him that I wish he could hear me tell him how much I loved him, because I really wanted him to know, and I wanted to know that he knew that I did. Grandma told me that he did know, and that really was a comfort to me. I guess if anyone other than him would know if he knew I loved him, it would be her.
Tonight, not too long before he died, I was able to be there while a few people talked to him about some stuff, and I decided that I had more to say, so when everyone left for a few minutes and I was there with him alone, I talked to him a little bit more again. I really don’t know that I feel like getting too much into what I said, but it was weird, because I felt like at that moment, I felt closer to him than I ever had before in my life. And I’m not even exactly sure that he even could hear me.
After he died, everyone was going to meet at Grandma’s house, and Kate and I went to Walmart to get a few things to bring over there. It was so weird. I mean, my grandpa had died just an hour before, and here I was at Walmart. I got Grandma some caffeine free Diet Pepsi, which she likes for some reason, and a few other groceries, and on the way to check out, Kate got a bag of those candy orange slices to put in the cart. It reminded me of my grandpa, because I seem to always remember there being those things there at their house when I was a kid. It made me start bawling in the middle of Walmart when she got them.
We got to their house, and carried the stuff inside. As soon as I stepped in to the kitchen, I started crying again. I was standing next to the table in the kitchen where my grandpa always sat. He was always either in his seat at the kitchen table, or his chair in the living room. Really, for as far back as I can remember, it seemed he was in one of those spots probably 95% of the time. And there I was standing next to the table, where he would never sit again. It was so hard. I went in to the living room and sat in his chair. I felt really special sitting in his chair. I’m not sure why.
Now here I sit writing this. I’ve been writing for almost 30 minutes. I have so much to say, but I don’t know that I really feel like saying it. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Not all of it anyways.
I remember a few years back, when I was at MCC, in my Composition class, part of a paper I wrote. I don’t even remember exactly what it was about, but I remember part of it was about how at that time, I had never lost a family member. This would have been about 5 years ago. So I wrote about how at the age of 25, how I hadn’t lost a family member, and how when it would finally happen, I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle it. Now I’m 30 years old. I haven’t done any scientific surveys to know for sure, but I’m guessing that most people have had to deal with the death of a loved one many, many years before they’re 30.
Yesterday I was talking to Kate about how guilty I felt for not knowing my grandpa better. I had opportunities to spend more time with him, but I never really took full advantage of them. I’ve struggled with this feeling of guilt for quite a number of years actually. But tonight I came to peace with it. During the final talk that I had that I mentioned before, that moment where I mentioned that I felt especially close to him, even though he couldn’t respond back. I really felt like I was getting confirmation that it was ok. Somehow I felt like he understood, and that he was ok with it. We’ll have a whole eternity to catch up.
I don’t really know what else to say. I’ve been here writing for almost an hour. So a few minutes ago I was writing about how 5 years ago, I didn’t know how I would have been able to cope with the death of a loved one. Grandpa was who I had in mind. And right now, this is what I am thinking: that I am damn lucky that I had 30 years to spend with him. I feel so grateful that I had him around for so long. If only everyone could be as lucky as I am.
I know it’s going to be hard going over to visit my grandma. It’s going to be hard for her as well, we all know, but this is my blog so I am just writing about how hard it will be for me. It’s going to be weird to visit, and not have the TVs both on. The kitchen and the living room were right next to each other. There was a TV in each room. For as long as I can remember, both TVs in both rooms would be on. They’d be tuned to different stations, and the volume would always be turned up full blast it seemed. So that will be weird to not have it that way. Also, Grandpa was a cranky man it seemed, but never in a mean way. Kids would be running through the house and leave the door open, and you could always hear him yell Dammit, shut the door or something like that. Now we won’t be able to hear that anymore.
I’m getting tired. I’ve only slept 3 hours in the past 2+ days. I’m tired. Really tired. I’m not sure how much sense this all has made. I’ve been rambling for an hour. I just felt I needed to do it.
Grandpa, I don’t know if you can read blogs in Heaven. Or if you can read minds. I really love you. I miss you so much already. I know it’s only been a few hours, but it’s true. I miss you. But its ok. Like I told you earlier tonight, it was just time for you to move on to the next phase of your life. Grandma will be ok. I will do everything I can to make sure of that, just like I told you. Also, part of what I believe about our life after Earth, is that we will have our bodies, in a more perfect form. I am in no hurry to meet you there, but I can’t wait for the day to finally be able to meet you, with all of your hair and teeth. I love you……………………….
He was a funny, ornery, light-hearted, and kind man. You are lucky to have him as a grandfather and I feel very blessed to have known him. He will be very missed…
I’m sorry about your grandfather dying Chris. I hope that you and everyone in your family is okay. Especially your grandmother. If you need to talk to someone please give me a call or talk to my Mom, she knows where anyone is coming from when they are dealing with death.
You are lucky to know that you will see him again. Lots of people who lose a loved one think that’s the end. As time passes, the sadness will fade a little and you will think of him and be able to be happy.
Losing anyone is hard but losing the first one in your life can be especially difficult. When I lost Joe, I remember feeling numb. I forgot things and did not do so well at things that I normally do without a thought. I did see a grief counselor and it helped a lot. I think the most important thing I discovered is it is ok to grieve. It is not a sign of weakness but a sign that you loved that person very much. The thing that sustained me the most was my understanding the Plan of Happiness that we learn about from our Heavenly Father. There really is a plan and we are all a part of it. Losing people we love is part of that plan and gives those people an opportunity to continuing growing that they would never have had while on this earth. I guess the greatest thing I learned was that it is ok. Everything is part of the plan and although it is hard to see at the time, there are blessings that we receive from all that happens to us. The key for me was to know that and be at peace with losing my boy. Give yourself time to grieve, remember your grandpa, and know that Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy. It is possible to feel happiness again and know that all is well. You and your family will be in our prayers.
Death is a very hard thing to deal with, and I know that you will miss your grandpa, but I think you are very lucky–as you have said, both to have had 30 years with him in the first place and to be able to have some peace about his passing now. I think too that he was a very lucky man to be able to be surrounded by loved ones. Chris, you are also surrounded by loved ones. I don’t know if words give you any comfort right now, but we love you and are thinking of you even when we can’t physically be near, and you know if you ever need us we will be there.
I am truly sorry to hear this and I will keep you all in my prayers. Like Becca said, it is great you had the thirty years with him that you did, that is a real blessing. It’s wonderful that he got to see you grow, get married, and see your children and I know that you all made him very happy.
There’s not much anyone can say at a time like this, but I hope that you are comforted in knowing he’s in heaven, waiting for you.
Thinking of you!
I want to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I can tell that you love your grandfather very much and letting go of him in this life on earth cannot be an easy task.
But…
Chris, you touched on something supremely important and that is that you had yet to lose someone in your family until now.
Ironically, I was speaking with a friend last night and we had both lost our fathers at relatively early ages. We were saying that, until that point of losing a parent it seemed an insurmountable suffering. I thought for sure that I would fall apart into a pile of sand and let the wind carry me away if that ever happened.
Yet…
I didn’t. I kept breathing, sometimes between sobs, and pushed ahead. I went to the gas station, grocery store…out to dinner…I went to school…
And…
What I think was the biggest blessing in my life as far as that goes is now knowing that, one of the worst things imaginable, losing someone you love–well, Chris, you CAN handle it. Through faith, through the love of your family, through the support of friends, and through those precious treasured memories of the two blasting televisions.
What an immensely important gift your grandfather has bestowed upon you at this point in your life!! He has shown you your own strength, the strength to overcome such loss and how to grieve and live (i.e. walmart with the caffeine free diet pepsi and orange slices)at the same time. That, Chris, is a lesson you will never forget for as long as you live…
Blessings, Chris, upon you and your family in this time of grief. You know I am always here for you.
Chris,
You and your entire family are in our thoughts and minds. Feel good for all of the blessings you have from your grandfather and do your best to help your grandmother because she will really need it and not know it.
We love you, stay strong.
Hal
(co-worker/friend of Josh and Becca Thrap-in other words a perfect stranger to you)
I’m sorry for you loss. I have to admit I started crying reading your writing/thoughts. Writing down and sharing your thoughts and grief is very good thearpy. Keep talking about your feelings, it helps so much.
I lost my dad when I was 20 yrs old, oh gosh, 12 yrs already. I’m not going to sugar coat it, it hurts still, it hurts on every birthday, every holiday and every family event. It doesn’t hurt as bad, but it still hurts. You may not think you can do or want to do anything, but you do, you push forward. You do it for your family members. You dry your tears and move forward, not only for yourself but for your family. Believe me, easier said than done, I know. I’ve never met you or your grandpa, but from what I’ve read you both sound like a great role model. Keep his stories(the ones he told and the experiences you had with him) alive and tell them to your kids. Stay strong.
Chris,
It was a tough time for all of us those few days. You can be sure that Granpa loved you and your family very much. He enjoyed your visits and I always heard the stories of what the kids did to amuse him. I have feelings of guilt for not being around more too. He always had a project to work on or an idea for me to look at or work to do on the house, most recently the kitchen remodeling. It seems he wasn’t happy unless some kind of construction work was going on in the house.
You can still get to know more about him by talking to Grandma or me or your aunts. He was a private person and didn’t talk about himself very often. He could be very strict and if you didn’t follow his rules be prepared to pay the price. On the other hand if you were in need he would give you anything he had to help you out.
It’s been a little over 2 months since that night. Though my memories of those last few days will be with me forever, the memories of the rest of my time with him are coming forward and I feel I was blessed to have him as a Dad. We must go on and try to live our lives the way he raised us to.
I am going to close this by saying to you that I love you and your family very much.
Dad