The Wheeler Family

Read more »»»

Shortly before 8pm, things to me seemed to be going the way they had been the whole time I had been there today. I had made the decision that I wanted to be there when he went, and basically I wanted to stay at the hospital the whole time. However, Kate and the kids were sitting in the waiting room, and I had made arrangements with my grandma that they would stay at her house overnight. So I went out to tell Kate that I would take her to my grandma’s house, help her get the kids settled in and in bed, and then come back out to the hospital. Well, I barely had time to tell Kate that when one of my cousins came out and told me that I should probably get back in there. So we all huddled around the bed for a few minutes, and a few minutes later, he left us. It didn’t happen at all the way I expected. In the movies when somebody dies you hear the beep beep beep of the machine, then the flatline. Then a doctor calls the time of death. Well, Grandpa wasn’t hooked up to any machines, so I don’t know why I was expecting to hear what I didn’t hear, but I was. And the nurses just came in and checked for a pulse and stuff, and said they were sorry, but no time of death declaration. I guess life isn’t like the movies.

I’m not happy Grandpa is gone. It’s only been a few hours and I miss him so much. But I do feel glad to know that he’s not suffering anymore. I’m glad I got the chance to visit with him the past few weeks. Sometimes it was at their home, and a few times I visited him in the hospital last week, when he was still up and coherent. And of course, I’ve spent a lot of time with him the past two days. Kate and I stayed overnight Monday night at the hospital. I know everyone kept telling me Monday that he could hear me talking. I don’t know if that is true or not. But I took the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him. I remember saying to him that I wish he could hear me tell him how much I loved him, because I really wanted him to know, and I wanted to know that he knew that I did. Grandma told me that he did know, and that really was a comfort to me. I guess if anyone other than him would know if he knew I loved him, it would be her.

Tonight, not too long before he died, I was able to be there while a few people talked to him about some stuff, and I decided that I had more to say, so when everyone left for a few minutes and I was there with him alone, I talked to him a little bit more again. I really don’t know that I feel like getting too much into what I said, but it was weird, because I felt like at that moment, I felt closer to him than I ever had before in my life. And I’m not even exactly sure that he even could hear me.

After he died, everyone was going to meet at Grandma’s house, and Kate and I went to Walmart to get a few things to bring over there. It was so weird. I mean, my grandpa had died just an hour before, and here I was at Walmart. I got Grandma some caffeine free Diet Pepsi, which she likes for some reason, and a few other groceries, and on the way to check out, Kate got a bag of those candy orange slices to put in the cart. It reminded me of my grandpa, because I seem to always remember there being those things there at their house when I was a kid. It made me start bawling in the middle of Walmart when she got them.

We got to their house, and carried the stuff inside. As soon as I stepped in to the kitchen, I started crying again. I was standing next to the table in the kitchen where my grandpa always sat. He was always either in his seat at the kitchen table, or his chair in the living room. Really, for as far back as I can remember, it seemed he was in one of those spots probably 95% of the time. And there I was standing next to the table, where he would never sit again. It was so hard. I went in to the living room and sat in his chair. I felt really special sitting in his chair. I’m not sure why.

Now here I sit writing this. I’ve been writing for almost 30 minutes. I have so much to say, but I don’t know that I really feel like saying it. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Not all of it anyways.

I remember a few years back, when I was at MCC, in my Composition class, part of a paper I wrote. I don’t even remember exactly what it was about, but I remember part of it was about how at that time, I had never lost a family member. This would have been about 5 years ago. So I wrote about how at the age of 25, how I hadn’t lost a family member, and how when it would finally happen, I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle it. Now I’m 30 years old. I haven’t done any scientific surveys to know for sure, but I’m guessing that most people have had to deal with the death of a loved one many, many years before they’re 30.

Yesterday I was talking to Kate about how guilty I felt for not knowing my grandpa better. I had opportunities to spend more time with him, but I never really took full advantage of them. I’ve struggled with this feeling of guilt for quite a number of years actually. But tonight I came to peace with it. During the final talk that I had that I mentioned before, that moment where I mentioned that I felt especially close to him, even though he couldn’t respond back. I really felt like I was getting confirmation that it was ok. Somehow I felt like he understood, and that he was ok with it. We’ll have a whole eternity to catch up.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’ve been here writing for almost an hour. So a few minutes ago I was writing about how 5 years ago, I didn’t know how I would have been able to cope with the death of a loved one. Grandpa was who I had in mind. And right now, this is what I am thinking: that I am damn lucky that I had 30 years to spend with him. I feel so grateful that I had him around for so long. If only everyone could be as lucky as I am.

I know it’s going to be hard going over to visit my grandma. It’s going to be hard for her as well, we all know, but this is my blog so I am just writing about how hard it will be for me. It’s going to be weird to visit, and not have the TVs both on. The kitchen and the living room were right next to each other. There was a TV in each room. For as long as I can remember, both TVs in both rooms would be on. They’d be tuned to different stations, and the volume would always be turned up full blast it seemed. So that will be weird to not have it that way. Also, Grandpa was a cranky man it seemed, but never in a mean way. Kids would be running through the house and leave the door open, and you could always hear him yell Dammit, shut the door or something like that. Now we won’t be able to hear that anymore.

I’m getting tired. I’ve only slept 3 hours in the past 2+ days. I’m tired. Really tired. I’m not sure how much sense this all has made. I’ve been rambling for an hour. I just felt I needed to do it.

Grandpa, I don’t know if you can read blogs in Heaven. Or if you can read minds. I really love you. I miss you so much already. I know it’s only been a few hours, but it’s true. I miss you. But its ok. Like I told you earlier tonight, it was just time for you to move on to the next phase of your life. Grandma will be ok. I will do everything I can to make sure of that, just like I told you. Also, part of what I believe about our life after Earth, is that we will have our bodies, in a more perfect form. I am in no hurry to meet you there, but I can’t wait for the day to finally be able to meet you, with all of your hair and teeth. I love you……………………….

« Hide it